I'm sick and and it's so shitty.

This could be a good opportunity to practice conscious attention. Snotting, coughing and a general unwillingness to do anything makes it seem like it's always been like this and nothing will ever change. It's a pitiful sight - I am sitting surrounded by used napkins, wiping off various kinds of uncontrollable discharge every few minutes, try to distract myself with simple work and Youtube videos. When I drive my attention inside, that's what I feel: I can remember how a few days ago none of this happened. But I can't fully imagine that state. I can believe that in a few days it will be all right again. But I can't move my consciousness there.

Of course I'm not crazy, and I don't think this is forever. But it's funny to notice this uncertainty. I remember really difficult periods in my life. I knew nothing about awareness or meditation at the time. And it was hard. But all those periods are gone. They all went from reality into memory. But at those moments, there was no uncertainty. There was a certain, total sadness and despair. Suddenly, in contrast to regular days, I didn't live in the future. I live in the present, and the present is awful, and it will never end. It's an illusion, of course.

Watching the mind is interesting for the same reason as watching an illusionist or a professional thief is. They manipulate reality in such ingenious ways, paint such incredible pictures for your mind, that there is little reason to doubt it. This is the truth. It's forever. It's an illusion, of course.